


Hard To Say

by SaiVega



Series: Say It Series [1]
Category: Shaman King (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe, BL, Boys Love - Freeform, Confrontations, Dark, Denial, Love Triangle, M/M, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-27 02:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18295430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaiVega/pseuds/SaiVega
Summary: Oversoul is a band living at the top of the music industry. But despite their success, unresolved issues are back to haunt the members when they are forced to face a reality that can turn for the worst. And Ren is forced to face the question: What if too much has been done, and not enough has been said?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is another one of my old fictions. For the most part I haven't really changed it, just a few typos and such. Hope you enjoy! And FYI, this was inspired from a song by The Used called "Hard to Say"

It's been four years since Oversoul's debut, and they've reached the top in the music business. Their name spread all over the world and there's not one person who hasn't at least heard of them, let alone at least one of their songs. And they continue to hold their crown of number one, proud and head high...even if one member left. Usui Horokeu, also known as Horohoro, left the Oversoul a year ago. So now the ones left are Tao Ren the vocals, Asakura Yoh the guitarist, and Faust VIII the bassist. They continue without their blue haired drummer, hiring someone only when they need to. And yet again today, they've finished another concert in Boston.

 

The band sat around a table back stage, quenching their thirst with sodas, except Ren who had a bottle of milk. The drummer they hired, Alex, sat with them with curious eyes.

 

"So...what happened between you guys and Horohoro?" Alex piped up and silence descended down on the group. Faust and Yoh were actually the ones looking uncomfortable with the question while Ren seemed unbothered with his folded arms and closed eyes. Feeling the stares from the other members, he opened his golden tiger-like eyes, his expression unwavering. Alex looked back and forth at them, getting an idea that he might have asked a taboo question. Ren let out an irritated sigh and eyed Alex carefully.

 

"Is it really any of _your_ business?"

 

"Sorry, I was just curious. Are you guys still friends? Still keep in touch? How does it feel even now?"

 

"What, do you work for a magazine? Like I said, it's _none_ of your business." It seemed like Ren's tone was sharp enough to cut through Alex's throat, because the young man shrank back in his seat with sealed lips. He left the group after a few minutes, apparently frightened away, but the odd atmosphere didn't seem to go with him. It's been a year but the subject of Horohoro was still a sensitive one. They've refused every interview that had to do with the bluenette, not even bothering to listen to what the reporters had to say. And they knew that that was probably the reason why Alex, and most likely the rest of the world, was so curious. And Ren, the only actual answer he really ever gave to anyone was that it didn't matter if the Ainu was there or not, that Oversoul will still live on to be the best. That didn't really answer any question, but it gave everyone the impression that he didn't care.

 

For the rest of the time the three were silent until Manta finally came to take them to their hotel. Boston was their home and they would go to their houses if it weren't for the final concert they were having tomorrow. The distance was rather unappealing to Faust and Yoh since they didn't want to wake so early in the morning. Besides, they had more than enough to pay for another night in the hotel. Two to a room, Ren with Faust and Yoh with Manta.

 

Ren took the key from the front desk, and peered at where Yoh and Manta were. Yoh held what seemed like a candy bar high above the incredibly short manager, teasing him of his height. After a few attempts of jumping and grabbing, Manta furrowed his brows and pouted. He kept turning away when Yoh tried to give him the candy while apologizing. The guitarist squated and leaned his forehead against Manta's with an apologetic smile. He opened the wrapper and broke off a piece. Then, brought it to Manta's lips and popped it into his mouth when the short one reluctantly opened it. He smiled forgivingly and threw a piece into Yoh's mouth.

 

The two were unaware of Ren who watched all this skeptically. Before, for the first two years of Oversoul, there was _something_ between Yoh and Ren. The two were never together, just occasional bedmates. Same for the Chinese with Horohoro. But it seemed that both Yoh and Horohoro grew feelings for the vocalist, though at the same time they hated that because they never knew what they were to him. If he felt nothing and if they were only getting themselves hurt. Ren only let it continue that way, unaware of such things. But the real case was, no one knew how Ren felt. Not even Ren.

 

But as time passed, Yoh seemed to have drifted away from Ren little by little, and gotten closer to their manager Manta. For one, they don't have their time in bed anymore. At first it was just Yoh refusing some nights, until eventually he just said he wants to stop. That was a few weeks after Horohoro left. And after that, he spent time with Manta more than ever. But Ren didn't care, though he sometimes found himself wondering how it would've been if Horohoro was still there.

 

"Are you ready, Ren?" Ren pulled himself out of his deep thoughts and found that Yoh and Manta were no longer there. He turned around where Faust called and waited for him. He gave a nod and followed the bassist to their room, and they sat at a table with some tea.

 

"Where's Yoh and Manta?" Ren asked Faust who stared blankly out the window.

 

"They said they'll go around together. They invited us but I said I'll rest. Do you mind that I said the same for you?"

 

"No, that's fine. What's there to look around anyway? We live here."

 

"I thought you might say that." Faust chuckled and took another sip from his tea.

 

"So do you think there might be anything between them?"

 

"They've been friends longer than I've been with Yoh, so it wouldn't surprise me. Not that I care."

 

"What about Horohoro?" Ren's eyes shifted to Faust who was now looking straight at him with his dull, calm eyes. He raised a brow and sighed, but Faust was unaffected. The bassist eventually figured out _something_ went on between his three friends quite a while ago. He just never stuck his nose in. He waited for an answer, but not long.

 

"What'd you mean?"

 

"Well it's like what Alex said earlier. How do you feel even now?"

 

"I feel nothing for that baka, I thought I already made that clear? And why does it seem so serious now?"

 

"I was just curious. After all, when he left, you only had Yoh left. But I think we all saw that there'd be something between him and Manta eventually. Just a matter of time."

 

"What exactly are you trying to say?"

 

"In the end, you only had Horohoro. Maybe Horohoro needed you. And maybe vise versa."

 

"What!?" Ren screamed and sprang to his feet, knocking over his chair in the process. His eyes narrowed to a venomous glare, piercing gold glowing in the room. But Faust only stared back calmly, with eyes as if observing the Chinese.

 

"I don't need any of them. Not Yoh, not Horohoro. And in case you haven't noticed, Oversoul is doing just fine without that idiot. I feel NOTHING! I don't give a good goddamn!" Again, Ren glared at Faust. But Faust took another sip of his tea and looked out the window again. "Alright." Was all he said in what was barely a whisper. It made Ren flare even more seeing his outburst showed more emotion than he ever intended, rather childishly too. With a low growl he stomped out the door and slammed it shut. He went out into the night, not even knowing or caring about where he's going. He just kept walking aimlessly in the crowded streets, doing his best to make no contact with anyone. Soon after some unknown time, it began to sprinkle. And the sprinkling soon became pouring, and the young vocalist was soaking from head to toe. At some point he stopped walking and found himself in front of a building of mirror glass. He looked at his reflection and scowled. His bangs matted over his forehead and the tips hung over his eyes. The rain water dripped and trickled down his eyes down his cheeks, looking like tears. He's fine, he doesn't care. He feels nothing of the Ainu's absence.

 

**The singer finished singing and she's walking out**

**The singer sheds a tear, fear of falling out**

**And it's hard to say how I feel today for years gone by**

**And I cried**


	2. Chapter 2

_A month passed since Oversoul finished their last tour. They sat around in Yoh's living room, the clock's ticking and the occasional chirping of birds being the only sounds. Faust was reading a book while Yoh and Ren sat across from each other and stared distantly out the window. Silent it was, but peaceful it wasn't, at least not within. If truth be said, the band members weren't used to such tranquility. Because by now, even if it was time to relax after a tour, someone would be bickering with Ren like it was now a daily routine. It practically was. But that someone, their ex-drummer, left them on their last concert of their tour. It's only been a month, and the band couldn't quite adapt to it. And anyone could guess that Ren was having the hardest time. Being his arrogant self that he is, in his dignity and pride, he wore a cool exterior. But below the skin of the small, still figure was growing irritation. That part was also what was currently displeasing him. For three years he put up with the bluenette, yearning for peace and quiet. So here it was, quiet. So why didn't he feel at peace?_

_And that would always bring up another thing to Ren. If he wanted peace and quiet, why didn't he just get rid of the annoying Ainu and replace him with a different drummer when he had the chance? Why did he put up with him for three years? In fact, come to think of it, the Chinese has never put up with so much for so long with anyone but Horohoro. He's never bothered to put up with so much as daily arguements with anyone else. They both were like bugs under the other's skin, but they still put up with it._

_Ren let out a light sigh. That was all he and Horohoro did, argue and put up with each other. If not, they'd get together somewhere and have sex. That part was really a cycle. They get together, have sex, wake up together, he ignores Horohoro, they both go separately to wherever they need to go, and it's the same thing a few days later. The only other time they saw each other again was practice or performance. There were sometimes when it was outside of that and not for sex. At first not a lot at all since they considered each other intolerable. But the number of times spent together eventually grew in the three years. But still, they couldn't say they really spent any quality time together as normal friends would, let alone like close, maybe even best friends would. But then again, they did do a lot of shouting._

_Ren realized that the sun was setting and the sky was turning from purple to sprakling velvet. Faust has gone somewhere, but Yoh was sound asleep on the couch. The Chinese never thought so much time could pass from just thinking about one person. About Horohoro. He watched Yoh and his peaceful expression with his calm gold orbs. He doesn't even sleep with the young guitarist anymore._

 

**It's hard to say that I was wrong**

**It's hard to say I miss you**

**Since you've been gone**

**It's not the same**

 

Ren walked towards the hotel in the pouring rain, no one recognizing him with his draped hair that covered his eyes. He ignored the odd stares he recieved when he went into the hotel and went straight up to where his room was. When he came to the door, he could hear Faust wasn't alone. Manta's panicking voice could be heard through the door.

 

"Where'd he go!? He needs to know this too!" Ren raised a brow questioningly and gave a few firm knocks. Yoh opened the door and quickly pulled him in when he saw that it was Ren. The Chinese male was surprised that he recieved no towels, and how soaked he was seemed to be far from Manta's concerns when the manager saw him.

 

"Where were you!?"

 

"...Out for a walk."

 

"In this weath...ugh! Forget it! That's not important."

 

"I'm glad you care."

 

"Shut up and look at this." Ren eyed Manta sharply. No one ever told Tao Ren to shut up, no one. But Manta took no notice and before Ren could say a word, the shorter held up a newspaper.

 

"What?"

 

"LOOK!" Manta pointed to an article. Ren snatched the papers, but said nothing even though Manta's attitude was displeasing his already mildy mood. Still being on tour, they haven't really kept up with any news, though usually they didn't really bother. But the vocalist didn't know what could upset Manta so much that even Ren's attention was needed. But his eyes widened a bit when he saw Horohoro's picture. And he didn't even know what to think when he read the title of the article.

 

_Oversoul's ex-drummer raped and brutally beaten._


	3. Chapter 3

Ren held the papers in his hands, his eyes going from Horohoro's picture to the title of the article, as if his eyes were deceiving him. His mind felt blank but at the same time it felt like it was spinning in a craze of too many thoughts. After five minutes of staring, he looked up at everyone else. Even Faust's face was paler than usual.

 

"That's not all." Manta said as he was trembling. "Look at the date." As told, Ren checked the printed date. His grip tightened on the paper and he almost ripped it in half. The paper was printed a week ago.

 

"Let's at least go to the hospital. He might still be there." Yoh suggested and everyone agreed. The hospital wasn't very far, only a ten-minute walk from their hotel. When they reached the lobby, they went straight to the counter where a nurse sat. She looked up at them and let out a small gasp.

 

"You're here to see him?" She immediately asked and the group nodded. They could tell she was a great fan if she could recognize them in their disguise. She got up and led them down the hall to the elevator.

 

"We usually get fans visiting, but only took their flowers and cards. We never let them in his room. For one, there's too many of them. And they're too noisy even for a patient in a coma."

 

"A coma?" Manta blurted and the nurse nodded, grieve all over her face. They reached the sixth floor and went down a hall again. They came to one closed door, and next to it was a nameplate that read "Usui Horokeu". Yoh gave the nurse an appreciative smile that said they'll take it from here. The nurse sympathetically smiled back and went passed them. But Faust put a hand to her shoulder and she stopped.

 

"Can I talk to his doctor about his condition?"

 

"Sure, I'll call him over."

 

"Thanks." With that, the nurse went off. The four entered the room and almost thought they were in the wrong place. Flowers were everywhere and made the room look like a small indoor garden, filling the space with a light floral fragrance. And they noticed about five boxes of cards and letters. But they closed the door behind them when they noticed the curtained bed. Ren was first to willingly walk passed the flowers and move the thin white cloths out of the way. A lump formed in his throat and he almost forgot to swallow it. Horohoro paled a great deal since the last time he's seen him. And he's grown much thinner, his cheekbones bulking out a bit. His once smooth skin was scarred, scratched, and scraped. The heavier wounds were bandaged. Tubes were taped to his nose and a misty breathing mask was put to his mouth. Both arms were bandaged and one had two I.V.'s. His chest was also bandaged, but had several wires. The wires were connected to a machine that quietly hummed, with a screen showing numbers and graphs that they had no idea of what they represented. From the same machine were also wires that went to the bluenette's bandaged head. They all stared at their limp friend, not even noticing the doctor who came in.

 

"I heard one of you wanted to speak to me?" All four turned their heads. Faust stepped up and shook hands with the doctor.

 

"Yes, that would be me. And is it ok if we talk somewhere else?"

 

"Of course." The two left Yoh, Ren, and Manta in the room. Yoh and Manta began to talk but Ren didn't listen. And he didn't care that Faust left. He was once a doctor so he probably would understand more than any of them. He could explain everything later. What mattered was Horohoro. The Chinese was actually having hard time breathing as he couldn't tear his eyes away. Yoh and Manta's voices couldn't even reach him anymore. To think they'd meet again like this. In such an unsightly way. This wasn't the Horohoro he knew.

 

"Faust! What'd he say?" Manta's voice cut through Ren's thoughts and awoke him. The bassist came with a face that could tell no good news.

 

"We can't say he's in good shape. He was concluded raped when he was discovered and the police already arrested the culprits after a DNA testing on the semen and pieces of hair they left behind, there was four of them. It's practically a miracle that he survived the beating. That plus a stab in the chest and stomach, and twice in the back. And he hit his head hard, though they don't know if it's from falling or the rapists. It's possible that it's both." Faust's expression darkened and Yoh cringed. But what ran through them the most was the spite in their boiling blood towards the bastards who did it. But Manta, wanting to bring even a speck of hope, looked at Faust again.

 

"But he'll be ok, right?" Faust said nothing and fear struck through Manta. The bassist looked away from them, possibly lost in words. But Ren wasn't so patient and he spoke up for the first time since they arrived.

 

"Why don't you answer?" It sounded like a suggestion, but they knew it was an order. Faust nodded, and turned back to his friends.

 

"We don't know. They did all they could do. We can only hope for him to pull through." Silence settled in again. They knew what that meant and it made them all grow numb. Not a word could be said to make anything better.

 

"Should we...still have that concert tomorrow?" Manta asked in a quiet voice.

 

"Yes." Ren immediately answered and all eyes went to him. Manta seemed to be in most shock. Obviously, that wasn't the answer he expected or even wanted. Ren looked back at him, his firm eyes showing his answer is solid.

 

"We can't back down now, we have people waiting and it'll hurt the band." Manta's mouth gaped open. Was he really choosing reputation over Horohoro? Apparently that's what it seemed and the manager clenched his hands into fists. But before he could say anything through his gritted teeth, Yoh spoke up in his calm but firm tone. The serious tone he barely used.

 

"I agree, we shouldn't cancel Manta."

 

"What? Why!?"

 

"Ren has his points. But if Horohoro was awake, I think he'd tell us to keep going. He wouldn't want to stop us. And tomorrow's the last concert of this tour, so we can stay at the hotel for a while when we're done since it's closer than our houses." Ren nodded, seeming content with the conclusion. Manta didn't look too happy with it, but he knew better than to argue any more with Ren.

 

"I'm sorry, visiting hours are over." A nurse came in and informed the four.

 

THE NEXT DAY

 

As scheduled, the stage was being set for the show and rehearsal was held from morning. Manta insisted that they visit Horohoro again but Ren disapproved. In the end they followed with Ren, leaving Manta furious with the Chinese's great pride for the band and it's reputation. The manager's grumbles and mumbles were ignored as rehearsal was held. But this rehearsal wasn't quite like the others they've had before.

 

It couldn't be the same with Horohoro on their minds. Although it was Ren's idea to practice and not get distracted, he never felt concentration to be so difficult. He usually just thought about the show and pushed anything else out. But the best he could do today was push Horohoro to the back of this head. And keeping it there was a challenge. The image of the Ainu at the hospital frequently appeared when he closed his eyes as he sang. He would almost go off key when he tried to erase it. And because of such practice he got rather stressed and was in a bad mood even when the show was about to start. And it didn't get any better when they were performing.

 

Unlike when they practiced, Ren sang while having Horohoro on his mind. He sang with all he had and couldn't risk losing concentration from trying to do something else. That wasn't the Horohoro he knew. Not the most annoying bastard he's ever known. Not the stupid, big headed idiot. Not the clumsy, idiotic moron. Not the obnoxious, immature brat. Not the guy that always almost made him lose his cool composure for reasons he still didn't know, sometimes just with that naive smile. He wasn't the energetic guy with the free spirited nature. He wasn't the guy who was always so full of...life. No, that wasn't the Horohoro he knew at the hospital.

 

He could still clearly remember what he saw. He was so thin, so pale, like it was just merely a shell of the Ainu. And his face, he didn't look like he's sleeping, but more like life left him with barely anything to keep him up. And all those...things, it's as if they're supporting whatever was left in a life of a limp doll. And on top of all that, they don't even know if he'll...

 

Ren shook his head with the beat of the music. His mind was getting off track of the show. He opened his eyes and looked out at the crowd, listening to them scream and watching them move with the music. Their bodies moving as one and he could faintly hear them sing along. These were the moments when nothing else mattered, when he felt alive the most. But now he just felt like asking them why? They were fans of Oversoul, weren't they? Horohoro wasn't part of it anymore but they still loved him just as much anyway, didn't they? Aren't they aware of what happened to him? At what could happen any time? So how could they be here, smiling and having the time of their lives? But here they were and it disgusted Ren. He's never felt this way towards any audience at any show before. And he felt that way, swelling inside with thoughts of Horohoro, through the whole show.

 

**My worries weigh the world**

**How I used to be**

**And everything (I'm cold) seems like a plague in me**

**And it's hard to say how I feel today**

**For years gone by**

**And I cried**


	4. Chapter 4

Ren sat out in the hotel's balcony, his melting gold eyes fixated on the scattered stars. Faust was already asleep in his bed. The concert was once again a success, the same result as always. But he didn't feel the usual sweet taste of satisfaction. He couldn't when he felt the way he did. That wasn't how he should've felt, not when they were performing. Being the perfectionist that he is, he could only feel bitter for something he couldn't do anything about, leaving him awake like a restless zombie.

 

"Couldn't sleep either?" Ren looked up to the side at the balcony of the room next to his. Yoh waved at him with his usual lazy smile though he didn't get one in return. Not that he expected any.

 

"Can I go over?"

 

"Go ahead." Ren answered with a shrug. Yoh disappeared into his room and so did Ren to open the door. To prevent any knocking that would wake Faust, he predicted how long it'd take the brunette. He opened the door right when Yoh had his hand up, ready to knock. His warm smile still spread across his face, he went in and the two went out again. They leaned against the railing and overlooked the lighted city, the cool breeze wisping through their hair. If this were just a few years ago, without Faust being there, they'd get to the bed. But those days were gone for good, they both knew, and probably both were content with it. A lot of things were gone for good, but Yoh would wonder if everyone, even himself, were content with it all. But today, something else bothered him.

 

"You sounded different today." The guitarist spoke up, breaking the still silence. Seeming unaffected, Ren kept his eyes out on the city, letting Yoh explain.

 

"At practice, you didn't sound like your usual self. Even worse when we performed." Ren slightly turned his head to Yoh at the word ‘worse’, his eyes showing a hint of threat. One thing he hated was when someone read him, or at least tried. And to insult him, his voice, not accepted even by Yoh.

 

"Yeah? The crowd didn't seem to feel the same."

 

"That's true. Maybe it was just me." Yoh turned around and leaned back on the railing. Ren stayed leaning forward, making them face opposite ways. They stared at the night sky with blank expressions, both minds traveling and they could guess where and of what. Sometimes a question would surface inside Yoh, but he never asked. Today was different.

 

"Why'd you let him go?"

 

"...What?"

 

"That day. Why didn't you stop him?"

 

"Why did I have to?"

 

"Did you even try?"

 

"No one told him to go, the idiot made his own choice." Yoh sighed and looked down, his sad eyes watching the ground. That was true. But he knew that Ren knew what he meant.

 

"You know, we talked once, me and Horohoro."

 

"..."

 

"It was around the time our first tour ended. We talked about you. He told me about this one time you guys argued. You got so angry, you told him you had sex with me too. Told him you didn't need him. Remember that?" Yoh narrowed his eyes as he could clearly remember having the conversation with Horohoro. It's hard to believe even for him that he remembers, especially when he didn't even witness the argument itself. He didn't look at Ren, somehow knowing he won't be getting any answer from the Chinese.

 

"But you know what else he told me? He said you later apologized, and that he didn't understand or know why." He glanced at Ren from the corner of his eye, thinking he heard the Chinese mumble something like the moron (Horohoro) talks too much.

 

"So what're you trying to say? That I should've apologized?" Yoh sighed and his expression softened.

 

"No, that's not it. But I told him that you were just angry, and that you apologized because you didn't want him to leave."

 

"You what?" Ren jolted from the railing and glared at Yoh. But the brunette has never even wavered at those threats and he looked back with stern eyes. _And I told him you love him._ He thought, but kept that to himself. Of course at that time neither he nor Horohoro could believe that because they didn't know. It's what Yoh believed slightly, and Horohoro thought the same about Yoh and Ren. Ren, oblivious to such thoughts going through Yoh, said nothing and shifted his eyes away from the guitarist.

 

"Why didn't you stop him, Ren?"

 

"If you wanted him to stay so much, why didn't _you_ stop him!?"

 

"I tried! But..."

 

"But you couldn't. So what makes you think I could've?" Faust shifted in his bed and the two turned to him. He didn't wake. Yoh, seeing no point to this, went inside and headed for the door. Ren didn't bother to follow and stood still at his spot on the balcony. Yoh took one last look just to see the back of him and returned to his room. He sat at the edge of his bed and his shoulders slumped.

 

_Yoh ran up the steep hill, sweat beginning to surface and roll down his head. Once he reached the top he paused and drew in deep breathes into his lungs. Looking down, the bus stop wasn't far. And he could see he wasn't too late when he saw a figure sitting on a bench. He ran again, this time faster since it's downhill._

_"Horohoro!" He called out and the bluenette turned. His eyes widened at the unexpected follower. He stood up as Yoh stopped in front of him, catching his breath before speaking._

_"Yoh, what're you..."_

_"Don't go, Horohoro."_

_"Look, I really appreciate it but...I can't stay."_

_"Why? Is it about Ren?" Horohoro's expression faltered and Yoh frowned. He knew the answer, the question wasn't even needed._

_"I'm sorry...I know you guys don't get along but..."_

_"You know it's more than that."_

_"I know but you know how he can be. He's not good at showing himself. But I swear, you mean a lot to him. If you go, he'll be more lonely than he is now."_

_"Yoh...I don't want to go, but it's getting harder to stay. The more I stay, the lonelier I get. And...he can show himself around you...You mean a lot to him." They both looked behind Horohoro and saw the bus coming. Horohoro took his things and turned his back to Yoh, stepping up to the bus door opening._

_"He won't be lonely. He has you." The Ainu slightly turned his head, showing his lips in a smile. But Yoh could see the eyes behind the sunglasses. The tear filled eyes._

 

Yoh closed his chestnut eyes, regret and guilt eating him up inside. He peered at Manta who was peacefully asleep, snuggling deeper into the covers as he murmured Yoh's name. The guitarist smiled sadly and gently brushed some of the manager's hair out of his eyes. He pulled his hand away and frowned. He couldn't stop Horohoro but he knew that Ren possibly could have. Maybe that's what Horohoro wanted. Now they're both alone. He rubbed his eyes before a tear could fall out.

 

**It's hard to say that I was wrong...**

**It's hard to say I miss you...**

**Since you've been gone**

**It's not the same...**


	5. Chapter 5

_Horohoro and Ren sat at the table of their hotel room, Ren reading a book and Horohoro surfing through the channels of the TV. But the Ainu found nothing interesting and clicked it off. Taking a look at the clock, he got up and went to his bed, deciding to go to sleep for the next day's performance. But just as he reached the foot of the bed, a hand took hold of his shoulder and pushed him face down on the mattress. Horohoro rolled over but before he could get up, he was pinned down by Ren. The Chinese held his wrists down and locked the onyx eyes with his golden orbs. The Ainu didn't need him to say any words. He knew what the question was._

_Do you think I haven't noticed?_

_Horohoro knew what he meant and didn't know why he hoped he'd get by. For the past week, he hasn't been the same towards Ren. He avoided eye contact and getting alone somewhere with him, and he did his best to not make those glances he always stole (Though Ren never knew of this). But what was most noticeable was probably how the arguments were. They still argued, but the drummer didn't seem to put as much effort as he usually does and didn't put up any good fight. In the end he'd just sigh and shut up as if he didn't even want anymore pointless conversations. Ren only acted like he noticed nothing and played along with it for a week. But his patience snapped, and he decided to give him a message. The vocalist leaned in and kissed Horohoro hard. The bluenette knew he wanted Ren, despite how he was lying still without returning the gesture. But as he did he could feel his resistance crumbling and once again getting lost in the Chinese's power, slowly kissing back. It took some effort, but he turned his head and parted their lips. Ren rose above him, still holding his wrists, and quirked a brow. Not wanting to drown in those gold pools, Horohoro kept his eyes averted with a frown. Ren let go and got off of him. He gave a light shrug with his monotone expression and went to the showers._

_Horohoro lay alone in the room in his bed, biting down on his lip. It's true, he wants Ren, he always does. Whether he's with him or not, he yearned for him and the younger male rarely left his mind. Along with himself knowing, he knew that Ren also knows that he just lied. The answer was always a yes before the Chinese even made the invitation. He wanted that body that's showering right now, he wanted to be taken. Because that's the only time, the only way it felt like Ren loved him back. But he's tired, fed up with it all, and that's why he tried to break the addiction. But he can't, not ever. Not like this. And it's killing him._

_XxXxXxXxX_

_The next day came like every other day of a show. The only thing different was Horohoro's attitude towards Ren, but the Chinese ignored that. Today was the last performance of their third world tour, but that made no difference in the tension. They were all excited, just like every live show, and it rose as it got closer. Along with nervous-ness, they had confidence and the excitement mixed as they could hear the arena being filled. Even Ren, who always kept his calm composure, was tapping his foot impatiently. Before going out, he looked at everyone and nodded with a slight smirk. He met eyes with Horohoro for a small moment, but the drummer averted. Ren acted like it was unnoticed and they entered the stage._

_XxXxXxXxX_

_The last song ended, leaving another show a success. Ren held the mic and gave words of thanks and such to the audience. His last words were followed by the roar of the audience. Ren and the rest turned to get off the stage. But Ren stopped short when he saw Horohoro, who wasn't headed for the exit, but to the front. Ren, Yoh, and Faust all stared at him, none of them knowing what's going on. Even Manta was looking confused._

_"What the hell are you doing!?" Ren hissed at the bluenette as he walked passed him to the mic. He turned it on and brought it to his mouth._

_"Hey, I know it's the end, but I've got something to say. I, Horohoro...am leaving Oversoul."_

 

Ren shot his eyes open, finding himself lying in his bed and staring at the blank ceiling. He slowly sat up and looked around, no longer at the concert but in the hotel room. Reassured that it was a flashback dream, he put a cool hand to his forehead and shook his head.

 

"Good morning." Ren looked to find Faust sitting at the table, awake and ready before him.

 

"You slept in quite a while for yourself. I was surprised that you didn't wake up when Manta called our room earlier. He said we'll be going to the hospital later." Ren nodded in reply, still recovering from the dream. Faust noticed how distressed he seemed.

 

"Are you ok?"

 

"Yeah, I'm fine." Ren was finally able to speak. "Just a stupid dream." He got up and decided to take a morning shower to lose the sleepiness. He looked at the clock and scowled when he read 11:45 AM. _Damn dream_ , he thought, and went into the showers. The warm water soothed his muscles and tensed mind. But he couldn't forget the dream, after all, it's a flash back memory. It was probably brought back by the current situation.

 

_Why didn't you stop him?_

 

Yoh's question returned to him. Ren growled and leaned forward against the marble wall, supporting himself with an arm. He placed his head on the arm and heaved a sigh.

 

_No one told him to leave. He chose to go._

 

**It's hard to say**

**I held my tongue**

**It's hard to say if only...**

**Since you've been gone, it's not the same...**


	6. Chapter 6

As scheduled, Oversoul returned to the hospital to visit Horohoro. They went into the room, greeted by the same flowers and boxes of fan letters. And the same Horohoro from when they last saw him, still in his coma state. The four sat around him, silence being the only thing they can bring out. It made the air stuffier than it already was, but no one really knew what to say. There obviously couldn't be any subject to lighten up anything. What chewed them up the most was that they literally couldn't do anything but sit and wait. Not even Tao Ren had any power in this, and it was bitter to the marrow of his bones. Not even Yoh could say it will be ok. Silence, the only thing floating about and it got heavier by the minute, laying a burden upon one another. It got harder to breathe and speak, and surprisingly, Ren was first to be affected and stand.

 

"I'm going outside." He simply stated and closed the door behind him.

 

The fresh air was savior on Ren's lungs as he sucked it in. He plopped down on the bench in the hospital's yard with a small carton of milk in one hand. While fiddling with the straw, he stared blankly at the ground. Some of the weight from inside has lifted, but not completely, especially with his memory-dream still fresh. Looking back on that day, he began to remember how the first couple of months were without the Ainu. He never said it, but indeed it was strange.

 

For one, there seemed to be an empty space within the group now since it was only three and not four. And during performance or rehearsal, he'd steal glances at the drummer just like he always used to, though Horohoro never knew. However, it wouldn't be the one he always knew, but some guy they hired with a name he didn't even remember. And of course, there was the great decrease of arguments, making everything quiet. Something the vocalist frequently demanded from Horohoro, but never thought it'd feel so alien and difficult to get used to.

 

Ren took another sip of his milk and let out a sigh. During those couple of months, there were times when he'd forget that the drummer was gone and would expect his voice to break the peaceful moments, or when he said something to start another quarrel. Sometimes he'd walk into a room and think he'd be there. But he wasn't there and it took time for the vocalist to remind himself of that. But once he did, he didn't make those expectations anymore. However, there were times when he'd get bored and his mind would somehow drift to Horohoro. He'd wonder many things; how he's doing, what he might be doing right about now, if he's bored as he was, if he's better off... but that didn't last long either. There was once a time when Yoh caught him thinking about Horohoro.

 

_You miss him, don't you?_

 

The guitarist asked in sincere sympathy, suspecting that his fear of Ren becoming lonely has come true. But that only made Ren the defensive self that he is. With his eyes narrowed to gold slits, he said he was fine without the baka. And from that one incident, Ren built a great wall between himself and any memory, thought, and care of the Ainu. And since then, if any such question or similar one was asked, the answer was always the same.

 

"Hey, what're you doing?" Hearing Yoh's voice, Ren looked up and the brunette sat next to him.

 

"What does it look like? Got myself something to drink. And what about you, why'd you come out?"

 

"For some fresh air. Smelled too much like medicine in there."

 

"What about Faust and Manta?"

"Faust said he's gonna talk to Horohoro's doctor to hear the details on how he's doing. I asked Manta if he'd like to come along but he insisted to stay by Horohoro's side." Yoh smiled, but Ren could tell it was forced. Silence fell between them for some time, both seeming to be in their own thoughts. But both knew that they were probably thinking about the same thing, just wasn't so open to sharing, especially Ren. A breeze ran through their hair, and Yoh let out a sigh as if to give something for the breeze to carry with it. He seemed to be relaxing more and closed his eyes. Once the breeze was gone, his chocolate eyes reopened again.

 

"Seeing Horohoro again...even if it's like this, brings back memories."

 

"...Yeah?"

 

"Mhm. It's true that he was the noisiest out of all of us, but you gotta admit he made us feel alive the most. Sure, he's not the brightest guy but he had the good heart and character to make up for it. It was great having him around." Ren didn't say anything as he listened to Yoh.

 

"...I missed him a lot when he left. Things just didn't seem right, you know? Like something was missing." Yoh's eyes dropped to the ground as his lips were forming a frown. An empty feeling was engulfing the brunette from the inside. He looked at Ren who stared at no particular point, his eyes just still. He didn't seem to be listening so much anymore, half of him stewing in his own unsaid words. But usually when someone else was around, Ren would hide this side of himself with a firm and certain facade, rarely showing that his mind was wandering. But Yoh recognized this look, he's seen it before some time after Horohoro left. And that time Yoh asked Ren a question, which turned out to be his mistake.

 

"Did you ever miss him?"

 

"What?" Ren snapped his head to Yoh, no longer absorbed in his thoughts. But he didn't ask because he didn't hear the question, but from hearing the question itself. Yoh just made his harmless smile.

 

"You always seemed ok after he left, like you was really fine with it. I know you guys didn't really get along, and I know you were really angry with him that time. But was that how you really felt? You never thought that it got too quiet? Things didn't get emptier without him? You really didn't... miss him?"

 

"..."

 

"You really didn't...feel lonely?" There was a slight twitch on Ren's face at the last word. His eyes then turned to pools of golden venom, letting Yoh realize he's triggered him. The Chinese shot his hard glare at him, ever so still like a tiger targeting whoever upset him. There was a small pause, Ren's eyes first getting warning to sink into Yoh through the short silence. And then he speaks, each word intoxicated by the poison tongue they rolled off from.

 

"I'll admit that it was _different_ without him. But I did just fine." Ren narrowed his eyes once more so as to get the last drips of his point down to Yoh. The bruenette merely sighed and looked away. With a displeased frown, Ren went back inside the hospital. Yoh watched his back, finding no trace of another word to come out from either of them.

 

All he ever wanted was for everyone to be happy and content. That of course included Ren, and Ren being the way he was, had too many walls. Yoh only saw this the most out of the rest because he's known him the longest, and he knows what Ren's been through in his life to make him like that. He can tell anyone the story, but sometimes you had to be there to really know it all.

 

He's sometimes thought about backing off so Horohoro could break those walls, which the brunette knew he could, it would've just taken time. But he's been confused by his own feelings and dragged on like the Ainu. But it was too long for his friend. After the bluenette left, his fear for Ren grew. But he himself got farther from the Chinese and closer to Manta. He couldn't help that, though, he had no control over his feelings or how they changed. His fear for Ren alone in his loneliness however, changed by getting worse. But the Chinese was so convincing, he lied so well that Yoh knew that he lied even more. It's only thanks to knowing him this long that he can see that he made another layer of skin. But he lied so much, he lied so well... that Ren convinced himself in believing.

 

XxXxXxXxX

 

Ren treaded down the hall in a brisk pace, his fists stuffed into his pockets. First Faust and then Yoh. Who's next, Manta? Yes, Horohoro was a member of Oversoul. Yes, he was a friend. And yes, Ren can admit things were different and strange without him, possibly like he missed him. He did need him in Oversoul and as a friend. But they were talking about it in a more personal level. Ren knew he never needed anyone like that, and though he slept with Horohoro, he never needed him either, not like _that_. Same for Yoh. They didn't have any reason, at least not any deep one. They were sex friends, occasional bedmates. It was all just to fulfill their lustful needs. Ren knew they didn't need it for anything else. He knows lust when he sees it, that's how almost everyone in his life has looked at him, even people who were just passing by. He's seen it many times in the eyes of Yoh and Horohoro, they may have tried to hide it but the glint could be seen with Ren's keen eyes. So Ren gave it to them.

 

But Ren could admit, that the way they looked at him was somewhat different from all the eyes he's seen before in his life. They were the same at first, ever since the first time there was only lust, it couldn't be denied. But later after about a year, it changed. There was the glow of longing and other elements of lust in them. But it was mixed with a different kind of gleam deep within that he couldn't quite grasp. Something he just couldn't reach, he just couldn't figure out. Maybe that's why he continued to sleep with them, to figure it out. But then again maybe he imagined it in hopes that it was different. Sex never meant anything to the Chinese but that didn't mean he'd give it to just anyone. He gave Horohoro and Yoh their desires because they were his friends. He gave his friends the pleasure because he knew they wanted it.

 

Maybe this time he just imagined that special something from hope that it'd be different with them from the rest. Yes, that's probably it, he imagined it. After all, he was cold product now. Look at Yoh, he's not even interested anymore. And Horohoro always fought with him and he even left. Ren knew sex never connected to intimacy, and he knew that they didn't feel such things for him. And he knew he doesn't feel such things for anyone else either.

 

But Ren just never knew love. He never knew how to find it.

 

"I see...so he's not getting better." Ren stopped dead in his tracks. That was Faust's voice from the room he was standing next to. He must still be discussing Horohoro with the doctor. Ren attempted to go in when the doctor answered.

 

"No, I'm afraid not. To be truthful...it's quite the opposite." Ren froze at the mouth of the door. He suddenly didn't want to go in, like some sixth sense was working. But he wanted to know exactly what they're talking about. He stood as close as he can to the doorway, careful not to be noticed. The doctor continued.

 

"The process is incredibly slow, but he is getting worse. If he doesn't wake up or show some progress at this rate...he won't make it." Ren fell back on the wall, feeling as if something invisible was shot at him. He covered his mouth with a hand, feeling like he could vomit whatever was rising from the pit of his stomach. He swallowed hard, and breathed deeply as he accused his ears of deception. Suddenly all his strength was decipitating and he had hard time standing. He let go of his mouth and clutched on his shirt where his heart was, as if it could stop any second.

 

_He won't make it._

 

The doctor's words rang in his ears, deafening him from the rest of the sounds around him. He knew the doctor and Faust were continuing their conversation, but not even their voice could reach him. He shook his head and steadied himself to stand up straight. He trudged to the elevator, unaware that he was shaking tremendously.

 

XxXxXxXxX

 

When Ren went into the room, he was surprised at what he saw. Sitting in a chair next to Horohoro's bed was Manta, sniffing while tears ran continuously down his face. Ren knew the manager couldn't have heard the news already.

 

"What're you crying about?"

 

"I know I worry a lot, sometimes too much, and honestly I hate that side of myself sometimes. When Horohoro left, I worried that something might happen to him, that he might've gotten hurt. I tried not to think about it...but you know, what's worse than all that worry and fear is... when it really happens. I know we haven't kept in touch but he's still a friend. I don't want to lose him."

 

"If you're so scared, don't think about it." Ren spat out angrily, frustrated at how oblivious Manta was while he knew what's really going on. He knew he shouldn't take it out on Manta, but it was hard enough to maintain his own stoic composure. But the manager didn't seem to notice Ren's frustration. He cleared his throat and wiped some of the tears, though that didn't stop them. He looked at Ren with his bloodshot eyes while trying to calm himself down as he spoke again.

 

"You're not scared, Ren?"

 

"What?"

 

"Sure, he's not part of Oversoul anymore. You guys didn't get along even when he was. But he's still your friend isn't he? You're not scared?" Manta furrowed his brows, looking as though he's pleading for an answer. Ren couldn't give any, his own eyes as unblinking as Manta's. He continued the suffocating silence as Manta continued to wait, just unable to answer the manager's question. But the door opened and Yoh came in. He saw Manta's tear streaked face and puffy red eyes, and immediately came to him.

 

"Manta, what happened?" The manager looked up at the guitarist and his eyes welled up all over again. His shoulders shook at every sniffle he made to hold back tears, but failed as one tear followed the other. Until Yoh knelt down and held him to his chest, not caring that the tears dampened his shirt. The shorter seemed to have forgotten his question as he continued to cry, and Yoh turned his head to Ren for an explanation.

 

"He got scared." Ren said and Yoh nodded. He stroked Manta's back as he hushed him down. The door opened again and Faust came in, also shocked by Manta. Yoh made a sad and strained smile at him.

 

"You know what a worry wort he can be. He got scared about Horohoro. So what'd you hear from the doctor?" Ren looked at Faust, wondering how he was going to break it to them. Faust stared at them for a bit, his expression showing no light. Yoh and Manta patiently waited, though they began to show fear in their eyes. That was just too much for Faust

 

"He...hasn't improved." The bassist said, his voice grave. Manta's face darkened and Yoh made his comforting smile.

 

"Hey, that doesn't mean anything bad yet. Everything will turn out ok." Manta smiled at Yoh's trademark statement, though his eyes said otherwise. Yoh, his smile still there but smaller, looked at Ren and Faust.

 

"I think we better leave." The two nodded in agreement and walked out the room, Yoh still speaking to Manta in his soothing manner. Ren gave one last glance at Horohoro before closing the door. _That's not the whole story, damnit!_ He thought bitterly. Though he himself couldn't say anything either.

 

**Worse than the fear is the lie you told a thousand times before**

**Worse than a fear is the knife...**

**And it's hard to say how I feel today, for years gone by**

**And I cried**


	7. Chapter 7

Ren awoke in his bed, yet again to another flash back dream. An old memory, the one Yoh spoke of to him only two nights ago.

 

The one Ren apologized to Horohoro in the end.

 

The dream reminded him of everything. Exactly what happened, how he felt at the time, what his thoughts were...it's all fresh again. Ren sat up in the bed, the dream now getting hazy. But one thing was sure now that he's reminded; before he apologized to Horohoro, Yoh was right. He did think that the Ainu might leave. Was it fear or even guilt, Ren found it was possible. He ran a hand down his dark purple hair and sighed, not exactly sure of what to feel for the reminiscence.

 

_How do you feel even now?_

 

Ren peered at Faust who was sleeping in the bed next to his, remembering the question asked by the bassist a few nights ago. The unpleasant morning aggravated the Chinese and it didn't get better with the lingering drowsiness. He sluggishly climbed out of bed and went to the sink in the bathroom to wash his face.

 

The cool water got Ren wide-awake and it dripped from his bangs. He loomed over the sink and blinked a few times, getting his mind from the dream to reality. He reminded himself of what's really going on, the real issue with Horohoro.

 

_How do you feel even now?_

_Did you ever miss him?_

_You really didn't feel lonely?_

_You're not scared?_

 

The questions thrown at him from his friends echoed in his head as if they were bouncing about the walls. He gritted his teeth and threw a fist at the mirror, but caught himself before it hit the glass. He hit the wall instead and bit down on his lip.

 

_Why didn't you stop him?_

Yoh's voice rang in his head.

 

"I don't know..." Ren whispered and his arm dangled to his side. He really didn't know why. He got so angry with Horohoro for putting up such a dramatic act that day. So outraged that he found nothing to say and ignored the drummer for the rest of the night. And without exchanging even another word, they went to bed in the hotel room, both avoiding to even look at each other. The next day, Ren's anger failed to cease and he continued to ignore Horohoro all the way until the Ainu went out the door. It only occured to him that he was really gone when he didn't see him the day after that. And he's always thought he's been angry all this time.

 

Ren grabbed a towel and wiped off his face. He looked at the clock and was at least satisfied with the time. Much earlier than yesterday and everyone else won't be awake for a few hours. He quietly changed his clothes, careful not to wake Faust. There was a lot of time so a walk didn't seem like a bad idea to clear his mind.

 

XxXxXxXxX

 

The sun hasn't risen yet but the faded blue sky showed that it was close. The air was cool and misty, rather comfortable for Ren. With no particular destination he walked along the sidewalk. Maybe it was because he wasn't even paying attention, he stopped abruptly and shook his head. He only visited the place twice but his feet have brought him to the hospital. He stood frozen for a while, knowing that Horohoro was there.

 

_He won't make it._

 

Ren narrowed his golden eyes at the doctor's words. They stung but nothing came out as he swallowed hard and went into the white building. Barely anyone was around except for some busy nurses as he walked down the sixth floor's hallway. He soon reached Horohoro's room and reached for the knob. However a nurse stepped up between him and the door.

 

"I'm sorry, visiting hours have not begun yet." Ren found that it was the nurse they met the first day they came to see Horohoro. Ignoring her statement, he reached out again. But still, she stood in her place.

 

"Let me in." He said sternly, though tried not to sound threatening to cause any trouble. The nurse stared back strictly, only trying to keep the rules maintained. Ren took a deep breath and spoke in a more calm tone this time, but showed the urgency in his amber eyes.

 

"Let me see him." He whispered, eyes moved to the doorknob. The nurse hesitated. She was strict but also a fan, but more a woman of sympathy. After a few seconds of hesitation, she sighed and came to the side.

 

"Thank you." Ren said in sheer gratitude and went in. He approached the curtained bed and moved the thin white fabric. He cringed a bit. There, Horohoro lay, showing no sign of consciousness as before. Still so pale with all those things covering his thin body. It made him look so fragile, like he can shatter just by being touched. A fragile porcelain doll that Ren shouldn't dare lay a finger on. He squeezed his hands into fists, turning his knuckles white.

 

"One year. One fucking year...and _this_ is how you show yourself again? What's wrong with you!? How much of an idiot do you have to be to get yourself like this!? I tolerated an idiot like you all this time... and then one bloody day you tell the whole damn world that you're leaving without even telling any of us? That's so irresponsible, you know that? You left us with all the media jumping at us. And then you get yourself like this. Baka Ainu trying to get away with everything... You're nothing but trouble." Ren looked down on Horohoro with his eyes narrowed but not of threat. More of disappointment for the limp Ainu. He was just lying there, silent and unmoving, no reply to give. Of course he did. He wouldn't react. He wouldn't answer. He wouldn't just jolt his eyes open and sit up to scream his own insults right back at Ren. Of course not... so why did the Chinese expect him to?

 

"Hmph, since when were you this quiet? Since when do you actually keep your mouth shut? Where'd you learn to listen to everything I say without talking back with that obnoxious attitude, huh? Decided not to get on my bad side all the time for once? Finally growing up? Go on, say something!" Horohoro didn't accept Ren's challenge, or answer to it at all. Ren fell back on the chair next to the bed. His shoulders slumped and he propped his elbows on his knees. He shook his head in his hands, unable to understand why he was saying these things. It's not what he wanted to say. He didn't mean it. He didn't want to be sarcastic. He didn't want to be insulting. So why was he? Why did it have to be so hard when this may he his last moments?

 

"Say something..." Ren uttered again to Horohoro and looked at him. The bluenette remained silent and still. Ren's eyes fell on his hand, the one that didn't have any IV's in it. He reached out and took it into his own shaking hands. It was still warm but as if he wanted to keep the warmth or let it go nowhere, he held it tightly. By now Ren knew...that he was scared. Maybe he's been turning away from the fact that he's not angry anymore. Maybe he's finally realized that. And he's reminded just how important Horohoro is to him, that he's a not just an ex-band member but a friend. But he also knows what's at hand right now and for the first time it really got to him. He's scared. He's scared that he'll never speak to him again. That this could be the last time he sees him and he couldn't say one decent thing since they separated. Tao Ren was scared...to lose Horohoro.

 

"Don't go..." Ren whispered desperately, almost sounding like he’s begging. His elbows still rested on his knees and his hands still held on to Horohoro's. His face hovered over the hand and his eyes squeezed shut as he began to tremble. He felt himself crumble.

 

"I'm sorry." Ren's voice went into an even lower whisper to keep his voice stable. He remembered the last time he's said this to the bluenette. When he said it before it was too late.

 

"I'm sorry, Horohoro..." His voice rose to be clearly heard, but it quivered as his eyes blurred. For that brief moment Ren almost believed that those two small, simple words would do what he thought it did in the past.

 

But this time, it seemed to be too late.

 

That thought brought a hot teardrop to fall on Horohoro's hand. And another followed. And another. And another...But then Ren froze and opened his eyes, which widened at the site before them. He could barely see it, barely feel it unless he stayed dead still. Horohoro's hand...it was moving. The movement was small and weak but Ren knew it took more effort than he could imagine. It twitched a few times but that wasn't all. The fingers wrapped around one of Ren's hands, as if to hold it too. The grip was so weak, Ren couldn't move afraid that he'll lose it. He moved his other hand that wasn't being held by the Ainu and wiped his eyes. His hand still not moving a muscle and with a cleared sight, he looked up at Horohoro. He almost forgot to breathe. The Ainu was still unmoving and his eyes were still shut. But from between those closed eyelids peeked liquid. A single tear seeped out and ran down Horohoro's face.

 

**It's hard to say that I was wrong...**

**It's hard to say that I miss you...**

**Since you've been gone it's not the same...**

**It's hard to say I held my tongue...**

**It's hard to say if only...**

**Since you've been gone it's not the same**


	8. Chapter 8

The clouds were dark and heavy, stubbornly clinging on the air in its thick form. No sun or sky could peek through, shadowing the Earth below as the rain drenched it in all its merciless glory. The cold drops pounded on the window, wet trails rippling as they made their way down the clear glass, distorting the world seen through it.

 

Yoh turned away from the window...the view was somewhat depressing. He looked at the man sitting next to him, his golden eyes fixed on the still figure lying in the bed in front of them. Neither of them has said a word since they arrived which wasn't long, only about thirty minutes. The silence wasn't pressuring nor was it weightless. It was strange but at the same time comfortable. And through it all, those amber eyes never averted from the Ainu in front of him.

 

It was clear to Yoh that he's changed.

 

It wasn't much of a surprise when Faust arrived at Yoh and Manta's hotel room without Ren, yesterday morning. The Chinese usually awoke the earliest and there were times when he'd go on morning walks. They assumed that yesterday was just one of those days, they weren't worried. But it was most unexpected to get a phone call from him from the hospital.

 

_"Hello?"_

_"Yoh? I-It's me."_

_"...Ren?" Yoh furrowed his brows when he recognized his missing friend's voice, which for a moment he thought it stuttered. Faust and Manta listened attentively, though they weren't quite sure of what's going on. Neither was Yoh._

_"Ren, where are you?"_

_"At t-the hospital."_

_"The hospital? But it's not even visiting hours yet." Manta and Faust exchanged dumbfounded glances, and then turned back to Yoh who also looked baffled._

_"H-He...His...H-He's..." Yoh's brows frowned as he began to tense a great deal. Ren didn't sound like he was crying but his voice was shaking way too much for himself. He's never heard the vocalist sound so restless, trembling so much that he couldn't even make a sentence. It's like his voice couldn't keep up with his mind that obviously wasn't in its usual composed state. It was apparent that something had happened with Horohoro. But was it good or bad?_

_"Ren, slow down," Yoh began calmly, despite how nervous he was feeling. "What is it?"_

_"Y-You guys need to b-be here."_

_"What happened?"_

_"Just get over here!" Yoh froze and widened his eyes, silenced for a moment at Ren's sudden outburst._

_"...Alright, we're on our way." The bruenette reluctantly replied and hung up._

 

When Yoh reached the hospital with Faust and Manta, Ren was sitting in a chair in the hallway right outside of Horohoro's room. The male sat unmoving with his shoulders slumped and his eyes on the floor. He didn't even look up to his friends or said a thing to them, when he was the one who rushed them over in the first place. Inside the room, Horohoro was surrounded by his doctor and nurses.

 

He wasn't awake.

 

The three immediately dreaded the worst when the doctor approached them at the doorway. But his words were contrary to their expectations.

 

"He's going to be ok."

 

According to what the doctor said, Horohoro showed a sign of improvement in his condition. That sign was a movement in his hand, which Ren discovered. He wasn't awake yet but he will be, they were sure of it now. They couldn't tell when exactly but Oversoul had all the time to wait.

 

Yoh turned his chocolate eyes to Ren again, holding his gaze on the vocalist. Ren didn't seem to notice with his attention concentrated souly on Horohoro. The brunette still remembered distinctly of how the vocalist was at the hospital. He didn't move from his spot even during the doctor's explanation, nor did he respond to any questions asked by his friends. He just seemed blank to everything. Yoh had Manta and Faust go on ahead inside, then came next to Ren and told him to come too. It was then the Chinese looked up from the ground for the first time since his friends arrived and looked at Yoh.

 

The mere reminiscence of Ren's face pained Yoh. It was as though he was stabbed in the back by some false hope and bled through his eyes, which were bloodshot behind the dark purple bangs. Was he disappointed...or betrayed?

 

No one knew what happened when Ren was alone with Horohoro yesterday. Yoh already knew that he was probably just as clueless as his friends when he made the phone call. His voice sounded like he didn't even know if he should be scared or not. His friends asked what happened before Ren made the call, or why he was at the hospital so early but the vocalist wouldn't answer anything so they eventually gave up. Yoh was still curious but he didn't intend on forcing it out of him.

 

But Yoh was also clearly aware of the change he's seen in Ren today. He seems so connected to his concern for the Ainu, much more than ever before. His watchful golden eyes held a warm glow, showing the anticipation and anxiety running within the small figure. Yoh knew that Ren is watching...waiting for those eyelids to open.

 

"Hey," Ren turned his head to Yoh who called on him. The brunette had a small smile etched on his face as if to reassure his friend with comfort. "He'll be ok." Ren slightly nodded to Yoh's words, and then turned his gaze to Horohoro.

 

"I know." He quietly said and was silent again. Of course he knew, he was there when the doctor explained yesterday. Just because he didn't respond didn't mean he wasn't listening. It's just...

 

He thought he was back.

 

Horohoro didn't wake yesterday, but Ren will keep waiting until he does. One day those eyes will open and Ren will be there when they do. He's finally realized that Horohoro's more than an ex-band member, but one of the very few people he's trusted to be a friend. He's not going to let that easily pass through his fingers again. He won't ignore his best friend again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back when I wrote this, I was still very green as a writer (I bet you could tell) so to anyone and everyone who read through this whole story, thank you so much! Truly appreciate it!  
> There's actually a sequel to this called "Time to Say It" and although it's another old one, it was written when I matured a little more as a writer. Would make my day if you read that one too!


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